For May 2013 Jim Hilton

Words to include:

caramel binder Stonehenge

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I don’t remember the exact details, but somehow we wound up with London Bridge over here in Arizona.  Maybe the damp climate was deteriorating the stone so they looked for someplace just a bit drier, and hit upon Arizona. I suppose they could have put it over in the Sahara Desert, you know, whatever it takes to save a bridge.

The upshot of this is that we are now siphoning off some of the tourist dollars in Lake Havasu City that would otherwise be spent in getting all those folks over to England, with that particular bridge being such a big attraction and all.  I don’t know exactly where that bridge ranked on the list; was it above Big Ben, you think, or was it way on down there below that Windsor Castle place?

So, anyway, I was thinking maybe we could do a little negotiating and get a few more of those British things over here and save the world even more fuel and money.  Wouldn’t that be neat if all those thousands of tourists who go to see Stonehenge every year, in England, could just change their plans a bit and go see it in its new home, in Nebraska?  I’m sure we’d have no problem transporting those big stones, I mean they did it four thousand years ago without the help of Caterpillar, surely we can do it in our modern times with all that equipment we now have.

And, of course, it would be slick to go to downtown Indianapolis to see the Roman baths, you know, the ones that have been, up to now, over in that city actually called Bath.  I think Mayflower Moving and Storage could get all those stones numbered and wrapped up to get them sent over here with no problem a’tall.  I’m sure the tourist industry would be getting a huge lift out of all this, with sales of touristy foods like caramel apples and turkey legs just going right through the roof.

I made up a binder with all the attractions listed, and maybe I’ll go present it at the United Nations, or maybe at the Yum Center in Louisville, wherever it’d do the most good.  I think after the folks at the top, who’d really understand the bottom line on this, would be gung-ho to get the ball rolling and we’d see some action in the pretty near future.

Can’t you see it now?  We’d have Westminster Abbey moved to the square in Corydon, Indiana, and maybe we could also bring over most of the monuments and things from Trafalgar Square, including Lord Nelson’s Column and maybe put all that junk in Dodge City, Kansas.  All that dry air out there should be just perfect for preserving all those stone things that are just naturally rotting in that damp London air.  Why, we’d be doing them a favor.

It’s the perfect solution, don’t you see?  We could pretty much retire all those monstrously big passenger jets that are now flying the Atlantic because they just wouldn’t be needed anymore.  And with all that fuel money being saved maybe we could get some relief on our income taxes.

This all makes perfect sense to me, how ‘bout you?